🎵 "I am not OK" – EOA The Day I Realized I Couldn't Carry It Alone (Jellyroll)

I need to tell you about something that happened this week.

Not because I'm proud of it.

Because I think someone else might need permission to admit they're struggling too.

The other day I was overwhelmed.

Not just tired.

Not just frustrated.

Completely emotionally exhausted.

The kind of exhaustion that comes after years of holding everything together.

And in the middle of one of those moments, I said something that immediately broke my heart.

I looked at my daughter and said,

"I just hope I die first because I'm so done with this."

The second the words came out of my mouth...

I wanted them back.

Because they weren't true.

Not really.

I don't want to die.

I want to watch her graduate.

I want to meet more grandchildren someday.

I want to travel.

I want to grow old.

I want another chapter after Alzheimer's.

What I really meant was...

I don't want to keep hurting like this.

But that's not what she heard.

She was shocked.

She was hurt.

She was scared.

And I realized something in that moment.

I've been carrying too much by myself.

💔 Caregiver Depression Doesn't Always Look Like Crying

Sometimes it looks like:

Being angry all the time.

Feeling numb.

Losing patience.

Not sleeping.

Not enjoying the things you used to love.

Feeling guilty for wanting five minutes alone.

Wondering if you'll ever feel like yourself again.

Looking at your future and seeing nothing but responsibilities.

Sometimes depression doesn't announce itself.

It quietly moves into your house while you're busy taking care of everyone else.

🪞 My Wake-Up Call

I've spent years making sure Rob had:

• The right doctors.

• The right medications.

• The right insurance.

• The right therapists.

• The right care.

And then I realized...

I had never asked myself what I needed.

I had convinced myself that I could just keep pushing through.

That if I stayed strong long enough...

I'd eventually feel okay again.

I wasn't okay.

📞 The First Call I Made

The next morning I called my insurance company.

Not to ask about Rob.

To ask about me.

I asked for a grief counselor.

Because that's what this is.

I'm grieving.

Not after death.

But while watching someone I love slowly change.

That's called anticipatory grief, and it's something many dementia caregivers experience. It can bring sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, and even hopelessness while your loved one is still alive.

Making that phone call wasn't admitting defeat.

It was finally admitting I deserved support too.

❤️ Asking for Help Isn't Giving Up

For so long, I believed I had to be the strong one.

The one who could handle it.

The one who never broke.

The truth is...

Strength isn't pretending you're okay.

Strength is saying,

"I'm not okay anymore, and I need some help."

🌱 If This Sounds Like You...

Please don't wait until the words come out like mine did.

Talk to your primary care doctor.

Find a therapist.

Join a caregiver support group.

Ask about grief counseling.

If your doctor recommends medication for depression or anxiety, have the conversation. There is no shame in needing help during one of the hardest experiences life can hand you.

You deserve care too.

🎵 Why "I am not OK"

Because some days this disease feels impossibly heavy.

Not because we don't love our spouses.

Because we've been carrying so much for so long.

No one can hold that weight forever without needing someone to help lift it.

💛 Final Thought

My daughter told me she was scared for me, she walked away and withdrew.

It made me realize that if I'm going to keep showing up for the people I love...

I have to start showing up for myself too.

So I made the appointment.

Not because I'm weak.

Because I want to be here.

For my husband.

For my children.

For my future grandchildren.

For whatever comes after Alzheimer's.

And maybe...

For me Godammit.

💬 Disclaimer

 I’m not a doctor, lawyer, therapist, or expert—just a wife trying to figure this out one day at a time. Everything shared here is based on our experience and things that have helped us along the way. Take what helps, leave what doesn’t, and always check with professionals when needed. I also use AI to help clean up my writing, organize thoughts, and pull together resources because honestly… caregiver brains are tired too. If something here helps another family feel less alone, then it’s worth sharing.

"I am not OK" Jellyroll

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