🎵 “Yesterday” – EOA The Things That You've Lost (The Beatles)
Because this post isn't about Alzheimer's.
Not really.
It's about grief.
The sneaky kind.
The kind that jumps out and punches you in the throat while you're standing in line at the grocery store.
💔 The Things That Set You Off
Nobody warns you about the triggers.
Not the big ones.
The little ones.
The completely normal things that everyone else sees and never thinks twice about.
But you do.
Because your life isn't normal anymore.
👴👵 The Older Couple Holding Hands
This one gets me every time.
I was sitting at a restaurant recently.
An older couple walked in.
Nothing special.
Nothing dramatic.
She had a cane.
He was carrying her purse.
When she stumbled a little, he grabbed her hand and steadied her.
Like he'd done a thousand times before.
Without thinking.
Without being asked.
Just instinct.
Just love.
And I sat there thinking:
👉 I'll never have that.
Not because I don't have someone.
But because the future I thought we were building together disappeared.
We were supposed to be THAT couple.
The old couple annoying everyone because we still held hands.
The old couple taking road trips.
The old couple arguing about where to eat dinner.
The old couple growing old together.
Instead, I'm watching him grow younger in some ways.
Not physically.
But in the way he needs me.
And every year the balance shifts more.
💔 Who Takes Care of Me?
This is the question nobody wants to admit they ask.
Because it feels selfish.
But it isn't.
It's human.
When you're the caregiver, you're always asking:
Who's taking care of him?
Did he eat?
Did he take his medicine?
Did he shower?
Is he safe?
But late at night another question creeps in:
👉 Who takes care of me?
If I get sick?
If I fall? (You know we all freaked out over Gene Hackman)
If I lose my job?
If I need surgery?
If I have a bad day?
If I just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay?
✈️ The Vacation Stories
Your friends aren't doing anything wrong.
They really aren't.
They're excited.
They want to share.
They just got back from:
Italy
Greece
Alaska
Ireland
Then comes:
"You should come with us next year!"
And you smile.
Because they don't understand.
Ten days away sounds amazing.
Except...
Ten days away isn't ten days away anymore.
💰 The Caregiver Math
Let's do caregiver math.
A week-long trip?
Maybe seven days.
Let's say caregiver coverage costs:
$200–250 a day- $25 to $30 an hour
Maybe more.
Maybe much more.
Suddenly:
👉 $1,500–$2,000+
Before:
Flights
Hotels
Food
Excursions
The vacation starts costing double.
And that's assuming your spouse is comfortable with someone else caring for them.
😔 The Invitations Get Harder
Not because you don't want to go.
Because you do.
You desperately do.
You miss:
Freedom
Spontaneity
Packing a bag and leaving
Being irresponsible for a few days
But now every invitation comes with logistics.
And guilt.
And planning.
And anxiety.
💔 The Future You Lost
The thing that hurts isn't always today.
Sometimes it's tomorrow.
The retirement you imagined.
The travel plans.
The grandkids.
The second chapter.
The growing old together part.
The quiet companionship.
The person who knew all your stories.
The person who would have been sitting beside you at 80.
🧠 Caregiver Grief Is Weird
Because you're grieving things that haven't happened yet.
And things that already have.
At the same time.
You grieve:
The past
The present
The future
All in one afternoon.
Sometimes because an old man held his wife's hand.
💛 What I've Learned
When these moments hit me now...
I let them.
I don't fight them.
I don't tell myself I'm being dramatic.
I don't tell myself to get over it.
Sometimes I sit in the car and cry.
Sometimes I go for a walk.
Sometimes I write a blog post.
Sometimes I play a song so loud I can't hear my own thoughts.
And sometimes that's enough.
🎵 Why "Yesterday"
Because caregiving changes how you see everything.
A purse.
A cane.
A hand.
A vacation.
An old couple crossing a parking lot.
Things that used to be invisible become reminders of a life you thought you'd have.
And some days that hurts.
A lot.
💭 Final Thought
If you've ever found yourself crying because two strangers held hands...
You're not crazy.
You're grieving.
Not just your spouse.
Not just the disease.
But the future that quietly disappeared while nobody was looking.
And that's a loss worth mourning too.
💬 Disclaimer
I’m not a doctor, lawyer, therapist, or expert—just a wife trying to figure this out one day at a time. Everything shared here is based on our experience and things that have helped us along the way. Take what helps, leave what doesn’t, and always check with professionals when needed.
I also use AI to help clean up my writing, organize thoughts, and pull together resources because honestly… caregiver brains are tired too. If something here helps another family feel less alone, then it’s worth sharing.
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